Good afternoon everyone. For those of you whom I have not met, I'm Jane and I am Byron's wife.

Byron and I met not too long ago actually, in April 2019.

My personal journey with my mother in law began about two months after I met Byron, when she and my father in law took us out to brunch near Central Park.

Byron being Byron, he invited me to meet his parents for the very first time about an hour and a half before they were set to arrive in New York City.

And although I was just beginning to get to know byron at the time, upon meeting byrons parents that day, one thing became immediately apparent to me: I knew then that Byron was a man raised by love.

I knew then that the very qualities about Byron that i was falling in love with—his sheer goodness, his unwavering integrity, his sense of fun and adventure—were seeds sown by two loving parents who were lovingly entrusting me with their son.

I remember feeling grateful to them for raising such an exquisite man—a man who would turn out to be my husband and my life partner.

And in the midst of all the overwhelm and intensity of the last few weeks, this sense of gratitude is singlehandedly what remains with me today.

And so, in honor of my mother in law, I hope to share a letter I wrote to her.

I wrote this letter two weeks ago in my journal, when I was sitting in the ICU waiting room after visiting my mother in law's beside for the last time. The doctors had just told us she had passed, and in the hours that passed in the ICU since, I did not know what else to do in that room but write.

I wrote to her because writing is typically how I make sense of my world. I am a lawyer by day and an aspiring novelist by night, and writing has always been the thing that grounds me back to the universe—to peace and understanding.

I had not initially planned to share this letter with anyone, but as I thought of what to say today, I kept coming back to this journal entry.

So in honor of my mother in law, here is what i wrote:

Nov 18, 2021

I'm sorry I fell speechless when I just visited your bedside to say goodbye. There was actually so much more I wanted to say, so much more I wanted to convey to you… but it all seemed so futile standing in that room at the door of death.

Because right now, life feels so brutal and precious and fragile and merciless and infinite and finite all at once. I feel everything and nothing and all the things, all at once.

One, of course, I feel immense grief for your sudden passing. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that you are gone.

Two, I feel the sheer smallness of our own humanity. For you to pass so suddenly feels very senseless and unfair. The finality of life feels humbling in a way I have never felt before. We are on our knees at the complete mercy of the universe, and I have never felt so small.

Three, I feel peace knowing you were no longer suffering in the ICU. I am not sure you knew what was happening to your physical body the last two days. I sincerely hope you did not. But whatever it is you knew or did not know, I hope you only remember this one thing: you were surrounded by love and care each and every step of the way till your last breath.

Four, as sad and traumatic as today is, I feel a small stillness assuring me that you are ok now, wherever it is that you are. Because i know death is not a final goodbye. Some people may think that is wishful thinking, but this is my inner most truth.

I did not ever get a chance to tell you, but I had a baby brother who died when I was audrey's age. She's sitting next to me right now in this waiting room, and I feel like it is my own four-year-old self sitting with her, similarly struggling to wrap my head around the sheer gravity of what has happened. My baby brother was only with us for a little bit, but it was enough to shatter me and my mom and dad when he left. His departure was also sudden and senseless and final in a way I could not fathom.

I spent the majority of my life thus far being very angry and hurt and confused about my baby brother's death. It felt very unfair. I dwelled on how much I missed him, how cheated I was out of all the memories we would have had together. He and I never got to play out our story together on this earth. That was not in the cards for us.

If I'm being honest with you, I am still angry and hurt and confused sometimes. But more recently, I have started coming to terms with a different kind of truth. A truer truth, perhaps. And definitely a much gentler one.

Eventually, I learned that my baby brother actually never left my side. Even though I could not see him, he was always here with me. He IS always here with me. He is my guardian angel. He has been looking over me, my mom, my dad, and now Byron, this whole time.

And when the day comes that we too leave this earth, I know he will be there waiting for us with open arms wherever we go.

This is why in my heart of hearts, i know you are ok.

Just like my baby brother, I know you will always be there, the two of you resting wherever angels go to spread their love and light and goodness in this world.

This, I am sure of.

Because based on everything I have learned about your son in the last 2.5 years, it is not difficult to understand the magnificent person you were and the fiercely loving life you led.

Because the simple truth is you don't raise a son like Byron without being an incredible force of a woman yourself. He is a man who has been soaked in the light of a mother's love and I am the direct beneficiary of that.

And for that single, most basic truth, all I can say is thank you. Thank you, with every ounce of my being, for giving me the gift of your son.

Everything I love so fiercely about Byron, I know it's because of you.

I know you are the woman who brought life to Byron's heart of gold. You are the one who nurtured his fierce integrity. His gentle soul. His love of dance and his vivacious sense of adventure.

I don't know if you know this about your son today, but now he has grown up to be the kind of man who sings lullabies to our dog, Coco, every night before he sleeps. Sometimes when I watch the two of them together, I marvel at the pure goodness that radiates from within and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Your son is also the man our friends turn to for advice whenever they feel scared or lost. Our apartment is a constant revolving door of friends who have become our own family. They pack our lives with so much support and love—just like the homes our parents created for us.

Your son is always the first one to rock a dance floor and the very last one to leave a party. The two of us have so much fun together, whether we are at a rave in Brooklyn or in our home office taking a dance break in between meetings. I know you are the reason for his lightheartedness, and I thank you for sowing the seeds of our joy.

Your son is the kind of man who sees the good in people—always—and forgives freely. He is the kind of person who is always growing and stretching and fearlessly exploring this world in ways that inspire me. You are the reason for his courage and softness. And for that I thank you.

And finally, to me, in particular, your son is my rock, my lighthouse, my best friend, my heart.

And so, for this gift, I thank you. I shall live the rest of my life thanking you for giving me my best friend. Thank you for raising him to be the exquisite man he is. Thank you for trusting me with your sweet boy.

And although our journey together was just beginning, I promise to honor your legacy by taking good care of your son. I promise to keep him safe. I promise to always cherish him. I promise to support him and his wildest dreams so we can live both our lives to our fullest potential.

And one day, when Byron and I become parents ourselves, please know that we will take good care of them and love them as fiercely as you would have loved them. Please know that we will tell them all about you, their lovely grandmother and guardian angel, in the same way we will tell them all about my baby brother, their lovely uncle and guardian angel. Please know you will never be forgotten.

I know this is not a goodbye, but a see you later. May you Rest In Peace.